Declares “Mission Accomplished 2: Tariff Boogaloo” after economic self-immolation narrowly avoided
THE MORK TIMES | U.S. ECONOMY INFLAMMABLES SECTION America’s Finest Panic Reporting Since Last Tuesday
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold and inspiring act of crisis resolution, Donald Trump has courageously stepped in to stop the trade war that he personally launched last week, a conflict that threatened to collapse the global economy, the space-time continuum, and at least one BMW factory in South Carolina.
“I’m the reason this stopped,” Trump told reporters while signing a commemorative executive order titled “The Greatest Pause in Trade History.” “Some people cause problems. I create solutions to the problems I create. That’s called leadership.”
The president’s decision to delay mass economic carnage for “a chill 90 days” was hailed by supporters as “the kind of statesmanship you only see in extremely self-involved Greek tragedies.”
White House aides insist the plan went exactly as intended: crash the markets, gaslight the public, scream “BE COOL” on Truth Social, and then spin the rebound as a personal victory over global capitalism.
Stock Market Recovers After Brief Cardiac Arrest
The Dow Jones surged 8% following the announcement, erasing some of the $3 trillion in value it lost after Trump’s initial tariffs caused investors to panic-sell their retirement accounts in exchange for powdered milk and bullets.
“We were ready to pivot to a bartering economy,” said hedge fund manager Bryson McChad. “Honestly, I think Trump backed off just because gold prices were making his Rolex look cheap.”
Tariffs to Resume After Everyone Forgets How Awful This Felt
Trump’s revised plan will allow him to personally “negotiate” new trade deals with countries that have so far responded by blocking his number or replying with passive-aggressive emojis.
“The world is calling us, literally crying,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Japan sent flowers. France wrote a poem. It rhymed ‘le pain’ with ‘insane.’ Beautiful.”
Meanwhile, tariffs against China will increase to 125%, which Trump described as “symbolic math to show dominance,” adding that “125 is like 100 but more exciting.”
Trump Allies Praise His Decision to Stop Doing the Thing Everyone Begged Him Not to Do
Sen. Lindsey Graham called the pause “a masterstroke,” noting that “very few presidents have the courage to walk back from a disaster they caused mid-disaster.”
Fox Business declared the move “the single greatest economic maneuver since Reagan deregulated dreams,” while Peter Navarro, still tethered to an expired Econ 101 syllabus, insisted, “This is exactly how global trade has always worked in my head.”
Confused Americans Unsure if Economy Is On Fire or Just Emotionally Manipulative
“Am I supposed to feel grateful he didn’t destroy the dollar?” asked Kelsey Romero, a schoolteacher in Iowa. “This is like my landlord setting my kitchen on fire and then asking for a thank-you when he puts it out with a jug of expired milk.”
Others were more optimistic.
“Trump’s just keeping the world on its toes,” said retired plumber Gary Wistrom. “You don’t win negotiations by being rational. You win by acting like you might nationalize Ikea on a dare.”
90 Days Until Chaos: The Sequel
The 90-day pause is set to expire right before the next news cycle involving either tariffs or Trump’s latest business venture: “TRUMPNOMICS: The Board Game Where No One Wins.”
Until then, international markets remain stable but heavily sedated, as world leaders prepare for Round Two of Trump’s Economic Russian Roulette, in which each chamber of the revolver contains a different flavor of supply chain collapse.
At press time, Trump announced he would “consider not re-tariffing Norway” in exchange for one million tons of “beautiful, Nordic steel and possibly a fjord.”
More from The Work Times:
- “Report: 78% of Americans Confuse ‘Tariff’ with a Brand of Whiskey”
- “White House Denies Trump Called WTO a ‘Global Vibe Killer,’ Releases Statement Written in Crayon”
- “Elon Musk Challenges China to Trade Negotiation via Thunderdome”
