HR departments nationwide scramble to develop mindfulness modules on embracing economic nationalism through kale rationing
By TheMORKTimes Staff April 4, 2025
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Donald Trump’s sweeping new tariff package sends economists, supply chains, and several thousand Jeep Wranglers into a tailspin, the administration has launched a bold, deeply American solution to curb mounting public anxiety: a nationwide rollout of Tariff Tolerance Training™.
The program, dubbed Operation Economic Resilience by the Department of Commerce (or Project Tough It Out in internal Slack threads), is a joint effort between the White House, LinkedIn influencers, and a network of certified “freedom coaches” trained to help citizens “emotionally decouple from affordable consumer goods.”
“Our data shows that while Americans say they love America, they still want reasonably priced pants,” said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick during a Thursday press conference held inside a refurbished shipping container turned patriotism pod. “This initiative will close the emotional trade deficit.”
“Suck It Up, It’s For America”: A New Curriculum for a New Economy
The Tariff Tolerance Training, soon to be required in all public schools, Fortune 500 companies, and SoulCycle locker rooms, consists of the following four key modules:
- Mindful Inflation: How to Breathe Through Sticker Shock Teaches citizens deep-breathing techniques while staring directly at $8 mangoes.
- Supply Chain Shame Reframing Encourages consumers to visualize their personal growth as they wait 9 months for a replacement refrigerator coil from Indiana.
- Avocado Accountability: Owning Your Role in Global Dependence Interactive quiz-based learning where users confess how their love of guacamole made China rich.
- Gritonomics: Replacing Goods with Guts Suggests eating dandelions, fashioning shoes out of bark, and “embracing the rustic authenticity of economic struggle.”
“The tariffs are the external boot camp,” said leadership consultant and resilience TikToker Camden Ray. “Tariff Tolerance is the internal grindset. Inflation is just abs for your wallet.”
White House: “Tariffs Are Not Hurting Americans, They’re Just Empowering Their Fiscal Muscles”
As prices spike and economic growth decelerates faster than a Waymo prototype on a wet road, administration officials have shifted to a tone best described as “spiritualized austerity.”
“These aren’t price hikes,” Press Secretary Janie McKallister clarified in a statement. “They’re character-building contributions to the national self-esteem fund.”
In response to consumer frustration over the 46% increase in furniture prices and the emerging “Toilet Paper Black Market” on Craigslist, the Department of Labor released a new white paper titled The Dignity of Sitting on the Floor: A Cultural Reclaiming of Space.
Meanwhile, Treasury officials insist that Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about” and that economic indicators are “vibing very patriotically.”
“We are not entering a recession,” said Treasury spokesperson Brent Claymore. “We are re-shoring our sense of purpose.”
Employee Training Shifts Into “Full Tariff Mode”
Across corporate America, HR departments are updating onboarding documents to include tariff resilience modules alongside workplace harassment policies and Zoom etiquette.
“We’ve created a new role called Chief Tariff Culture Officer (CTCO),” said Sandra L., VP of People at Cargoplex Solutions. “They’ll be leading our weekly Duty Duties where we emotionally process rising import costs through trust falls and trade-based improv games.”
One internal memo from snack conglomerate CrunchNest, leaked to The Work Times, outlines new employee perks:
- 10% off all “Patriot Snacks” (now rebranded Cheez-Barricades™)
- Access to the in-office Tariff Trauma Support Goat
- Free subscriptions to “Tariffed But Thriving”, a wellness podcast co-hosted by Glenn Beck and Goop
“It’s a Spiritual War on Cheap Socks”: Citizens React
While many Americans are still processing what a 79% tariff on Chinese imports means, others are stepping up.
“I’ve started knitting my own sneakers out of cat hair and corn husks,” said Bridget L., a startup founder in Austin who now refers to her home as a “post-global micro-supply unit.”
“It’s not about what you can’t buy anymore,” she continued. “It’s about what you can emotionally endure in a spirit of localized resilience.”
Others, however, are less enthusiastic.
“I had to Venmo my nephew for socks,” said Bob Lehmann, 73, while holding a sign that read MAKE PRICES NORMAL AGAIN. “He found a three-pack in Tijuana for under $30 and smuggled them in under his hat.”
Still, some rural communities have taken to bartering, with one Colorado farmer trading a goat for a gently used IKEA desk chair.
Final Twist: America’s Top Export is Now Patriot-Themed Meditation Apps
In a surprise development, Silicon Valley is already capitalizing on the post-tariff spiritual reawakening. Among the top downloads on the App Store this week:
- TariffZen: A guided meditation app that helps users “embrace scarcity with grace and a single reusable T-shirt.”
- Mindful Misery: Tracks grocery bills while whispering affirmations like “Imported cheese is a colonial trap.”
- Peak Fiscal: An immersive VR experience that simulates pre-tariff Costco but closes the moment you reach for a 48-pack of deodorant.
The Takeaway
As America veers toward economic autarky wrapped in stars and stripes, it’s clear that tariffs are no longer just a trade tool — they’re a national identity program. Prices may rise, imports may fall, and jobs may wobble like a table with one Canadian leg, but in the words of President Trump:
“It’s going very well. It’s like surgery, okay? There’s blood. There’s screaming. But in the end, you get a beautiful scar called freedom.”
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COMING SOON: The Work Times’ Guide to Hosting a Tariff-Friendly Dinner Party Using Only Ingredients From Your Backyard and Your Regrets
