Washington, D.C. – In an innovative new approach to governance, the Trump administration has unveiled an executive order that will simultaneously dismantle the Department of Education while continuing to operate key functions that people actually care about—namely, student loan collection and Pell Grant distribution. In an announcement that had all the precision of a startup pivot gone horribly wrong, the White House assured Americans that while the department will be greatly diminished, “some important things will still be done by someone, somewhere, at some point.”
“Education is an American value,” Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt stated, squinting at what appeared to be an upside-down briefing document. “But let’s be honest—do we really need an entire department just to make sure kids learn things? We’re entering a bold new era where we believe education can be handled the American way—by corporations, social media influencers, and YouTube tutorials.”
Education 2.0: Less Learning, More Loan Collection
The executive order instructs Education Secretary Linda McMahon, known for previously running World Wrestling Entertainment, to begin the process of systematically dismantling her own agency. Critics have likened the move to asking a firefighter to put out a fire while simultaneously selling off the fire trucks and repurposing the hydrants as decorative fountains. McMahon, however, is embracing the challenge.
“Education is important,” McMahon stated in a prepared statement that may or may not have been drafted by ChatGPT. “But so is efficiency. Right now, the department is bogged down with unnecessary priorities like funding public schools, ensuring equal access to education, and protecting student rights. By eliminating those distractions, we can focus on what really matters—streamlining student debt collection.”
Indeed, the administration has promised that while the department will be stripped of most of its duties, its ability to garnish wages, hound graduates for decades, and ensure that student debt remains a multigenerational family heirloom will be stronger than ever.
“We’re keeping what works and cutting what doesn’t,” said an anonymous senior official who, despite his role in the administration, does not actually have a college degree. “Our vision is a lean, mean, education-loan-enforcement machine. No more wasteful spending on ‘books’ or ‘teachers’—just pure, unfiltered efficiency.”
Special Education and Civil Rights: Surviving on a Technicality
The administration has assured the public that certain “critical” functions of the Department of Education, including special education funding and civil rights enforcement, will still exist in some form—though the details remain suspiciously vague.
“We’ll absolutely keep those programs intact,” one White House source confirmed. “Of course, by ‘intact,’ we mean they’ll be operated by a single unpaid intern working from a basement in rural Ohio.”
Advocacy groups have expressed concern that reducing the department to a skeleton operation will have dire consequences for the nation’s students, particularly those in underfunded school districts. But administration officials have suggested that the private sector is more than capable of filling the void.
“Have you seen Khan Academy? That guy is great,” one official said, apparently confusing an entire federal agency with a free online tutoring website.
The Market-Based Future of Learning
With the federal government stepping back, a range of private-sector solutions are emerging to ensure students still receive a quality education—provided they can afford it. Some of the promising initiatives include:
- Tesla High Schools – Featuring a cutting-edge curriculum where students major in Cybertruck assembly and minor in meme economics.
- Amazon Prime for K-12 – With a small subscription fee of $99.99/month, students can access pre-recorded lectures by Jeff Bezos’ personal assistant, plus same-day delivery of textbooks (additional fees apply).
- Google AI Tutors – Students can now learn through advanced machine learning models that gently remind them that their entire academic future depends on their search history.
- Facebook Metaverse Academy – Where children will be educated entirely in virtual reality classrooms, ensuring that they never have to interact with real-world teachers or, for that matter, reality itself.
- OnlyCourses – A new online education platform where students pay per lecture, featuring Ivy League professors awkwardly explaining calculus in dimly lit bedrooms.
Critics Sound the Alarm, Are Promptly Ignored
Education experts and civil rights advocates have widely condemned the move, warning that eliminating the Department of Education could have catastrophic effects on educational equity. However, in a stunning display of political agility, administration officials have managed to redirect all criticism by simply repeating the words school choice over and over again until reporters lose the will to continue asking questions.
Meanwhile, opponents of the plan are left wondering: If the Department of Education is considered unnecessary, what’s next? The Department of Labor? The Environmental Protection Agency? NASA?
“Government should be run like a business,” a Trump advisor stated. “And sometimes that means cutting overhead, even if the ‘overhead’ happens to be, you know…basic public services.”
As the administration presses forward with its education demolition plan, one thing is clear: The future of American learning is now in the hands of Instagram study influencers, AI-powered virtual tutors, and the ancient wisdom found in TikTok comment sections. God help us all.
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