“If employees won’t return to the office, then we will become the office,” say executives from windowless bunk beds.
In a sweeping corporate correction to what was once called “the future of work,” top executives across the country are now living full-time in their offices — a bold move designed to inspire staff, reestablish in-person culture, and, coincidentally, avoid the skyrocketing cost of housing.
“We realized we can’t force people back,” said Avery Lind, Chief Operations Philosopher at Stratacore Analytics. “So instead, we’re modeling the behavior. We’re here. We’re microwaving lentils in the breakroom. We’ve converted the conference room into a communal sleeping pod. What more do you people want?”
The trend, known in LinkedIn thought-leader circles as “Executive Proximity Embedding (EPE)”, is being hailed as the next evolution of hybrid work. While workers continue to resist full return-to-office mandates — citing reasons like “childcare,” “commutes,” and “basic human freedom” — executives have responded by doubling down on in-person presence, mostly their own.
“It’s not just about returning to the office,” said Lind. “It’s about becoming one with it. The carpet is my bed now. The hum of the HVAC system is my lullaby.”
CEOs Lead the Charge — And Nap Under Desks
The remote work heyday of 2020–2022, once buoyed by kombucha-stained vision boards and Slack emojis, has been decisively replaced by what analysts are calling “Return-to-Proximity Leadership.”
CEOs from Meta, Oracle, and a number of mid-sized SaaS firms that all sound like prescription drugs (e.g. Nexivora, Quantorel, Zylprone) have been spotted rolling out sleeping bags in corner offices, installing standing showers in data centers, and holding “fireside Zooms” from ergonomic bean bags.
“We’re normalizing presence again,” said Rishi Patel, CEO of LoopGrid, a B2B platform that helps other B2B platforms manage their B2B platforms. “If the team won’t come to me, I’ll be here 24/7 until they do. Except Tuesdays. I have therapy.”
HR Praises “Relentless In-Personism”
The HR community has quickly embraced the trend with corporate literature now encouraging “Relentless In-Personism” — the belief that being physically near coworkers, regardless of actual interaction, is the cornerstone of productivity.
A leaked memo from one Fortune 100 firm outlines the new expectations:
“To re-cultivate synergy, leaders are expected to maintain continuous office presence, ideally while emitting approachable yet performance-oriented body language. Sleeping under desks is acceptable, but must not exceed 4 hours per cycle.”
“If employees see their VP of Revenue Management gently sobbing into a couch cushion at 2 a.m., it signals dedication. That’s culture.”
Employees Respond: “Cool, Still Not Coming In”
Despite these efforts, employee sentiment remains tepid at best.
“I think it’s great that our CMO is living in a supply closet,” said Clara Li, a product designer at Spindlely, a remote-first fintech that no longer has a physical headquarters. “But I’m still not flying in from Oregon to attend a post-it ideation jam at a WeWork in Midtown. Especially not when I just bought a house with chickens.”
Many employees report feeling “inspired yet unmoved” by the sacrifices of their leaders, who now appear in Zoom calls from yoga mats beside Keurig machines. Some say they find it “comforting” to know their C-suite sleeps on-site, especially since that’s often where company layoffs are announced.
“Honestly, I’m glad they’re in the office,” said one anonymous engineer at CloudverseAI. “That way I know where to send the pizza when they cancel our raises again.”
Real Estate Industry Thrilled
Meanwhile, commercial real estate developers are delighted by the emergence of “Executive Co-Living Office Habitats”, a hot new niche they’ve dubbed LiveOps.
One pilot program from WeWork’s resurrected spin-off, WeSleep, is testing “full-stack executive bunk stations” with features like:
- Whiteboards you can cry against
- Fridge microkitchens stocked with single-serve chia puddings
- Optional onboarding scent diffusers (eucalyptus or shareholder tension)
- Full-day light simulations to mimic the feeling of seeing the sun
Investors are bullish. “The modern office isn’t dead,” said venture capitalist Jenna Krug. “It’s just become a permanent habitat for the economically overcompensated.”
The Inevitable Burnout
However, cracks are beginning to show. A recent incident at VantaNet’s New York office revealed the darker side of executive embedment: their CFO, disoriented from weeks without sunlight, allegedly tried to file a quarterly report using a microwave. He was gently sedated and rolled into the huddle room for “deep strategy reflection.”
Another firm reported an outbreak of “performance mirroring,” where lower-level employees started staging fake all-nighters to avoid suspicion, resulting in a rash of Slack messages sent at 3:47 a.m. that simply read “circling back.”
At least two firms are under investigation after installing biometric sleeping pods with mandatory eye-tracking to “ensure lucid dreams remain KPI-aligned.”
Conclusion: The Office Strikes Back
In the end, while remote work offered a glimpse into a flexible, humane future, it now appears to be a privilege reserved for senior developers, lucky freelancers, and employees who no longer exist in any HR database but still receive direct deposit.
Everyone else? They’re either back in the office — or about to find their boss curled up behind the printer tray with a whiteboard marker and a dream.
One thing’s for certain: In today’s economy, the only remote thing left… is the possibility of work-life balance.
