WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented bipartisan show of legislative maximalism, the U.S. House of Representatives has passed the “One Big Beautiful Bill Act”—or as insiders affectionately call it, “OBBBA,” pronounced like a prolonged groan of despair.
Clocking in at over 7,000 pages, 11 titles, 109 subtitles, and what scientists are calling “a fractal of subparts,” the bill aims to solve every American problem simultaneously—by creating a few new ones in the process.
“It’s comprehensive, it’s historic, and frankly, it’s unreadable,” said Rep. Lisa Foreclosure (R-Duct Tape), one of the bill’s chief architects. “We’ve decided to legislate via content density. If you can’t understand it, you can’t oppose it.”
OBBBA: A Table of Contents That Requires Its Own Table of Contents
The bill’s official Title I simply reads: “To provide for reconciliation pursuant to title II of H. Con. Res. 14.” Which, loosely translated from Congressionalese, means: “We stapled everything together and dared the Senate to blink.”
With sections covering military modernization, SNAP restrictions, AI initiatives, geothermal royalties, border security, student loan repayment, and a surprise Trump-branded savings account, OBBBA has something for everyone to be confused about.
To aid navigation, the table of contents has been nominated for a Pulitzer in cartography.
Corporate Experts Praise the ‘Efficiency of Legislative Chaos’
Business leaders have hailed the bill as a masterclass in “regulatory synergy.”
“We love that it simultaneously repeals environmental standards and creates a tax shelter for 529 accounts to buy Minecraft NFTs,” said Sheila DeROI, lobbyist and part-time PAC sommelier. “It’s bold, it’s confusing, and it makes loophole hunting feel like geocaching again.”
Tech industry insiders were particularly excited about the Artificial Intelligence and Information Technology Modernization Initiative (Subtitle C, Part 2, Section 43201, Annex Epsilon)—which grants $3 billion in subsidies to any company that describes itself as “AI-adjacent” and provides at least one PowerPoint per quarter.
“We don’t even make software,” confessed Tim Brogrammer, CEO of cloud-based oat milk startup LatteLogic, “but we added ‘blockchain-enabled GPT compliance’ to our pitch deck and now we’re a federal contractor.”
Meanwhile, the Poor Are Encouraged to Become “Blockchain Farmers”
Low-income Americans will notice several major changes, including the repeal of energy assistance exemptions for food stamps and the introduction of a new “SNAP-to-Startup” grant, which allows able-bodied adults without dependents to exchange food credits for “equity tokens” in approved gig economy platforms.
“We believe in empowerment,” said House Budget Chair Rep. Byron Hustle (D-Incubator). “By replacing bread with exposure and calories with inspiration, we’re teaching poor Americans how to hustle their way out of hunger.”
Military Funding Expansion Features Weapons That Don’t Exist Yet
Under Title II, the Pentagon receives hundreds of billions in new resources for “scaling low-cost weapons into production,” despite no clear evidence such weapons exist.
“We’re investing in the future of speculative munitions,” said General Ronda Clusterfire. “Think of it like Kickstarter, but with missile silos.”
The bill also includes a provision for the Space Force to pre-lease Martian land, “just in case,” and designates TikTok as a Class B security threat requiring strategic dances for de-escalation.
Education Reform Includes New Student Loan Limits, Pell Grants, and Optional Gladiatorial Loan Forgiveness
In an effort to curb rising college debt, OBBBA imposes stricter loan limits while simultaneously creating more reasons to borrow.
“We’re offering a new Public Service Loan Forgiveness Battle Royale,” said Secretary of Education Devlin Reimburse. “Graduates can compete in an obstacle course built entirely from unpaid internships. Survivors get their interest waived.”
Parents will be pleased to know that 529 accounts can now be used to buy school uniforms, home schooling taxidermy kits, and, for some reason, licensed Ben Shapiro collectibles.
The ‘Trump Account’ Provision Raises Eyebrows, and Capital Gains
Perhaps the most talked-about section is tucked away in Section 110115, which creates “Trump Accounts”—personal savings vehicles with quadruple tax shielding, optional gold backing, and complimentary NFTs of the former president playing golf with eagles.
While critics call the measure “blatant brand laundering,” supporters say it’s a bold step toward “patriotism monetization.”
Final Projections: Chaos, Confusion, and a 27% Spike in Lobbyist Champagne Orders
Though the bill has passed the House, its fate in the Senate remains uncertain. Majority Leader Chuck Schumer reportedly opened the bill and immediately “fell into a legislative coma.”
As for the American public?
“I’m just excited to find out what new taxes I owe, what benefits I’ve lost, and whether or not I now own a geothermal mine in Alaska,” said one baffled constituent.
THE WORK TIMES TAKEAWAY:
The One Big Beautiful Bill Act is the legislative equivalent of an everything bagel made entirely of policy, garnished with 5,000 amendments and served with a side of untraceable appropriations. If democracy dies in darkness, this bill may be the blackout.
🖋️ Have questions about what’s in OBBBA? So do the people who wrote it. But remember: if it fits in a single tweet, it’s probably not in there.
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