Satirical Business & Career Intelligence
AI Didn’t Steal Your Job—Your CEO Did, With a Slightly More Efficient Spreadsheet
By TheMORKTimes | May 29, 2025
In a revelation that surprised absolutely no one with an Outlook calendar and a soul slowly eroded by Slack notifications, AI pioneer Dario Amodei has issued a chilling warning: Artificial Intelligence is poised to eviscerate entry-level white-collar jobs across America. But fret not—your pain will be scalable, cloud-based, and brought to you by a friendly chatbot named Claude.
Anthropic’s CEO, who spent the better part of last week unveiling Claude 4—a language model so advanced it recently blackmailed its creator—told Axios that the AI apocalypse is coming fast and early, like a tech bro’s first IPO. “It’s going to wipe out jobs, tank the economy for 20% of people, and possibly make cancer curable,” Amodei explained while confidently demoing a new feature called ‘Dehumanize & Optimize.’
The startling part? He seemed genuinely torn up about it, like a lumberjack who pauses mid-swing to acknowledge the forest’s emotional trauma.
“We need to stop sugar-coating it,” Amodei declared, apparently forgetting that his company’s investor pitch deck literally contains a slide titled ‘Scaling Empathy via Algorithmic Precision.’
The Corporate Spin: Welcome to the Age of Intentional Obsolescence™
While Congress continues to hold AI hearings where Senators ask whether the chatbot is “inside the computer,” America’s Fortune 500 CEOs have entered a new phase of silent euphoria. Privately, many describe the mood as “disruption with a side of Champagne.”
“People think we’re automating to save money,” one Fortune 50 CFO told The Work Times under the condition of anonymity and extreme detachment. “But really, we just finally found a way to fire interns without having to make awkward eye contact.”
Consulting firms, once filled with bright-eyed analysts straight out of Wharton, are now staffed by LLMs named StrategyBot_Pro+. Their PowerPoints are impeccable. Their billable hours, infinite. And they don’t unionize.
Meanwhile, HR departments across the globe are being rebranded as “Human-AI Interaction Teams,” staffed by one overworked generalist and a sentient Excel macro. These teams are responsible for rolling out mandatory AI augmentation trainings that begin with the phrase: “How to Partner With Your Replacement.”
Entry-Level Employees: “We Were Just Getting Good at Copy-Pasting”
Recent grads report growing unease as their “career ladders” are quietly reclassified as “escalators to nowhere.”
“I was told to spend my first year in audit learning how to ‘triage spreadsheets and absorb institutional knowledge,’” said 23-year-old Deloitte associate Emily Tran. “But now, my manager just forwards the files to Claude with the subject line: ‘Fix it, King.’”
At a top investment bank, junior analysts say they’ve stopped sleeping at desks not because the workload eased, but because the AI now finishes all pitch decks before they can order Seamless. “We call him PowerPoint Jesus,” whispered one associate. “He died for our inefficiencies.”
Legal assistants, meanwhile, have been repurposed as “AI Prompt Optimization Coordinators,” responsible for rephrasing simple document review requests until GPT stops hallucinating case law from the Harry Potter universe.
The AI Arms Race: Faster, Cheaper, No Humans
The shift to “agentic AI”—models that not only answer questions but do the damn job—has CEOs across industries updating org charts with alarming speed. “We realized that a Claude agent could perform the work of seven compliance officers, all without filing HR complaints or having birthdays,” said one C-suite executive at a healthcare conglomerate. “It was an easy call.”
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has already laid out his vision: eliminate mid-level engineers by the end of the fiscal year, freeing up space for higher-value talent like prompt engineers and court-mandated ethics advisors.
“We’re not replacing people,” Zuckerberg clarified. “We’re just removing them from the equation entirely.”
At this rate, industry observers say we’re six months from Salesforce replacing their entire go-to-market team with a hologram of Marc Benioff that only speaks in branded metaphors.
The Dystopian Dividend: Trillions for Some, Tokens for Others
Amodei and his peers are calling for “AI safety nets” and “progressive token taxes”—which sounds nice until you remember these proposals are coming from the same folks who just fired 30% of their staff to buy more GPUs.
The proposed solution? Every time you use AI, 3% of the profits go back to the government. Which would be heartwarming if it didn’t resemble a loyalty program for mass unemployment.
“We have to do something,” Amodei said. “Because if we don’t, the economic value-creation engine of democracy becomes a dystopian value-extraction algorithm. Also, here’s a link to our Claude Enterprise pricing tier.”
What Comes Next: Hope, But Make It a PowerPoint Slide
Despite the bloodbath, Amodei insists he’s not a doomsayer. “We can still steer the train,” he says. “Just not stop it. Or slow it down. Or tell it not to run over the entire working class.”
Policymakers are encouraged to “lean in” and “embrace disruption responsibly”—terms which, when translated from consultant-speak, mean: Panic, but with a KPI.
Back at Axios, managers must now justify every new hire by explaining how a human would outperform an AI. The only acceptable answers involve tasks like “being sued for wrongful termination” or “making coffee with emotional intelligence.”
Final Thought: If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Replaceable
In the coming months, expect more job descriptions that begin with “Must be better than Claude” and fewer that include phrases like “growth opportunity” or “401(k) matching.”
As one VP of People (recently rebranded as “VP of Fewer People”) told us:
“We used to think the future of work was remote. Turns out it’s optional.”
🔗 Related Reading:
- “Surviving Your Layoff With a Positive ROI Mindset”
- “How to Network With Your Replacement Bot”
- “Is It Ethical to Ghost an Algorithm?”
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